We all dread this situation. Whether it’s just for a weekend at a friend’s or trying to save money, we’ve all stayed with a non-Muslim. Here are my top 8 dreaded conversation topics in no particular order:
1. Explaining why you keep leaving a water bottle in the bathroom.
We all need a Lota. There is just no way around it. Even if we tried to switch to toilet paper for a weekend we would rub ourselves raw. I don’t know about you but I’m tired of my roommate thinking I’m disgusting because I drink water while I’m the toilet.
ProTip: Put a plant in your bathroom and say that the water bottle is for watering the plant.
2. Breaking the habit of taking your shoes off in the house. (or making them break the habit of wearing shoes everywhere)
I still can’t get used to this. It just isn’t natural. We spend all day cleaning the floors and making sure crap doesn’t get inside but then you just wear shoes everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE! When I try NOT to wear my shoes inside, I just get a bunch of dirt on my feet because you track mud inside.
ProTip: Buy some house shoes/flip-flops. I know it still doesn’t feel right. Trust me, I get it.
3. Explaining why the bathroom floor/feet are always so wet
This is just the sad reality of being a practicing Muslim. We don’t know what to do in the bathroom. We splash water everywhere like we are at Wisconsin Dells. It’s not a water park guys, its the bathroom.
ProTip: Get a wudu floor towel. Put it over your bathroom mat. Unless you are just launching buckets of water on your body, you should be good.
4. Dealing with questions about how you take so many showers in a day.
If you don’t get this, then I’m not explaining. Ask your parents.
ProTip: Stop being a heathen! JK. Do you, bro.
5. Responding to questions about that resume you left on the counter with that girls picture and information about her family. What job was I interviewing her for?
This is not only reserved for printed out bio-datas. This is for when you leave your computer/tablet screen on and its pretty apparent you’re on a matrimonial website. My first and only thought isUh, you have a roommate.
You aren’t there yet bro. You just aren’t there yet.
ProTip: Do what you always doAct like these girl are thirsty. You can’t help that they will try any means necessary to get with you.
6. Why don’t you respond to me sometimes when I clearly see you are awake and are doing something?
This is always fun. I don’t know how many times I’ve been praying and my roommate decides that I’m actually just ignoring him and turning my back on him. I’m not sure if those prayers counted but I almost ALWAYS bust out laughing. Once you explain what happens, your roommate doesn’t even talk to you unless they see you literally facing them and sitting on a couch. It’s like they think we can just talk around praying while washing dishes or something.
ProTip: Use this to your advantage. Anytime your roommate is ramping up for a fight or an uncomfortable conversations, just pretend you’re praying.
7. Explaining why you are inexplicably afraid of trees after the sun goes down.
Explaining the world of the unseen to someone who doesn’t believe in it is difficult. Explaining a random phobia associated with that? Just plain impossible.
ProTip: Substitute Jinn, for demon and try to tell as many exorcist stories as you can possibly think of. That will get them on your side.
8. Responding to the question of why you listen to weird Arabic chanting for one whole month out of the year.
Ah, yes. Ramadan. Now that the world is more connected you don’t really have to explain what Ramadan is but that doesn’t mean that everyone knows every little nuanced activity we perform during the month. This can range from explaining why we all of a sudden go to the mosque for hours and hour to why we are scarfing down dates and water at the butt crack of dawn.
ProTip: Headphones bro. Headphones. Don’t damn your roommate because he is playing videos games or watching porn while you are blasting the Quran all over the house/apartment.