Growing up, life teaches you a lot of things. Some got it easier than others and some learn it the hard way, as I did.
Years and years of struggle, without even knowing where I was going or what I was doing, led me to a place where I just wanted it all to end; my dreams, the pain, my existence.
I grew up where my entire existence revolved around pleasing others, bending down to them, and doing everything I could to make them happy and it cost me a lot; it cost me my confidence, it cost me my self-esteem and it cost me my very own identity.
I grew up that way and it was what I had always known. It was hard to unlearn but life teaches you what it got to teach you.
For somebody who spent their entire childhood in neglect and a much messed up sense of identity and self-worth, it was extremely hard to discover my own self because my identity always revolved around pleasing others.
There is so much in life that you got to unlearn and it is obviously very hard to do that. It takes lots of courage and lots of energy but it is worth it.
I grew up in a family where my parents were too busy handling their own lives and problems that they just couldn't give me enough time. Do I blame them? Not entirely, but I still haven't learned how to let it all go.
I learned it the hard way; when everybody abandoned me, the same people who said they'd never leave me alone. They did and it was painful. I was alone and I was struggling. It was probably one of the darkest periods of my life.
No one deserves to be alone, I had always believed but here I was, entirely on my own and it sucked. I was in denial. At this point I was still doing stuff for people, I was still struggling with saying no to people who would just pop up in my life when they needed me and abandon me when they were done with me.
I was so tired. My mental health started deteriorating so bad and I was at an extremely bad place; on the very verge of ending my own life. It was scary and I was alone. I think it was a reality check that I needed to realize that if I continue to be a people pleasure it would be a death of me.
I said no to a lot of stuff; I said no to people who were mean to me, I said no to people who consumed so much of my energy, I said no to people’s opinions of me, I said no to people who thought they knew me better than myself, I said no to putting other people before me and my own mental health.
It was hard and I lost a lot of people, but then I have always been all on my own and I didn’t need such ‘’friends’’ anyway, because they weren’t really friends.
Sometimes it is better to cut off people who add no value to your life and constantly drain you. It is okay to ask for space. It is okay to let them go. It is okay to say no. It is more than okay to make yourself your top most priority.
A lot of times we neglect our needs and we neglect or peace but to be honest it isn’t worth it. Self-care is important and the biggest self-care is to cut the negative people out of your life and recognize the people who are actually there for you.
It was so hard to learn but in the end, it was totally worth it. I started believing in patterns and refused to believe the words.
There have been so many people in my life who manipulated me and told me they would always be there for me and I’ll always find them standing by my side but every time I needed them they just left, only to come back and do abandon me all over again. It was hard to refuse to let them treat me like that.
I had nothing left to lose so nothing mattered, I could be fearless, I could be anything I wanted to be, I could take risks without any fear holding me back. I had nothing left to lose anyway.
Even though I was alone, things got a little easier. I was focused more on myself and loving myself than pleasing others. I still haven’t entirely figured out my life yet but I think I am on my road to recovery and I hope I get where I want to be.
It is still very hard but I am learning; learning to love myself, learning to put myself first, learning to value myself, learning to make myself my own priority. I had to unlearn so much, I had to get over the self-hate, I had to get over the deeply rooted issues and visiting the past was painful but it was totally worth it.