Let’s talk about something simple. And by talk, I mean obviously you read the wise words I write. Two things I find interesting about Muslim dating culture. First, many Muslims grow up in an environment where if we are going to date, we have to hide our shenanigans. The second is once we work up the courage to date, we have absolutely no game. To be frank, we are far behind the curve in comparison to our non-Muslim brothers and sisters.
I look calm, but I'm really freaking out.
|What develops then is the Muslim version of the home run. Now for
mainstream America, the home run consists of the following. First base
is kissing, second is either heavy petting (I love that phrase) or
caressing, third is oral, and home run is sex. Pretty standard. But for
younger Muslims (around late high school), we have absolutely no
experience and are nervous enough about asking the girl out on a date.
Thus, develops the Muslim standard for the home run.|
Is getting on the date. I know, maybe many of you think I’m selling our Muslim brothers and sisters short. Or maybe I’m romanticizing just how innocent our youth is. Fuck that noise, I’m basing this off my own experience and the experience of several friends (though not all of them). I honestly believe this applies to most younger Muslims. For the vast majority I believe in the awkwardness of Muslims in social settings. Just hanging out with peers in their mid-twenties only confirms my suspicions that many are not held back from dating because our religion forbids it, but because we’re just too damn awkward to ask a girl out. And that’s why first base is getting the date.
On my first date (for me, getting the date wasn’t that difficult), I was wracking my brain about what I should do. If only we could look this cute when we do what we do.I was worried about not being too greedy for fear of coming off desperate. What resulted was in me standing off to one side, avoiding the slightest touch from my date. That’s second base. Touching. I was so nervous about making a move, lightly touching her elbow or putting my arm around her. Now I know these are vital in getting the girl to like you. Make her laugh or lightly touch an easily accessible erogenous zone. But me and the rest of inexperienced Muslims? We’re spazzing out!
Ew! Don't want to be them. I'd prefer the light peck please!
Once you get past the overwhelming fear of actually touching the girl, you move on to the third base, which is a light kiss. I’m talking I just dropped you off and I want a damn peck somewhere. Anywhere! On my damn cheek and I’ll be happy. The paralyzing fear of rejection makes third base incredibly difficult. What if she turns her head away? What if she makes a disgusted face? What if she just straight up slaps me? These are the thoughts that go through the brain of a young inexperienced Muslim (or an experienced Muslim, how terrible would that be if you had to go through these fears every time?). But once you get that kiss off successfully, I swear you’ll be thinking that heaven is just one step away.
Home run to be exact. To be frank, home run is making out. That’s when you’ve finally made the move from awkward Muslim dating stages to mainstream stages. Then you’re eligible for the pros. It really is much easier to get to home run once you’ve gotten to third base. Taking that last step, after coming this far, isn’t that difficult. Unfortunately, this is only the first base of mainstream American relationships. It’s that hard for us. We’re that awkward.
I DID IT!
So ladies, next time you’re on a date with a Muslim guy, please cut him some slack. I know you’re just as inexperienced (in the beginning) but you really hold most of the power as the guy has to make most of the moves.
But wait! What about the rest? Caressing? That’s winning the game. Oral sex? That’s getting the first seed in the playoffs. And sex? That’s winning the mother fucking World Series. Get that mother fucking Leo Diamond Ring!