Sex. Oh laawwwdddd. No. Please let’s move on and talk about something else. Anything else. Is nail polish okay to pray with? Should we wear a kufi when we pray? 8 or 20 for taraweeh?
Sex is a topic that we as Muslims completely ignore or avoid at all costs. All this does is push us deeper into being a sexually repressed community. There is only one kind of sex that is forbidden, zina (sex outside of marriage). So why do we demonize the act entirely?
Do we think that if we educate our sons and daughters about sex that they will all of sudden be hyper-sexualized and walk around acting like rabbits? Uhnews flash, letting society educate your children is doing that anyway.
If we can concentrate on having continuous open conversations about sex between husband and wife, father and son, mother and daughter and stop harping on how bad sex is then maybe we’ll have a shot of raising a generation that doesn’t increase the divorce rate.
Parents, talk to your kids. Let your kids attend sex ed classes in school. It takes care of starting the awkward conversation. All you have to do it build on top of it. Why make them feel even weirder than they already feel? Don’t yell at them for wanting to go to something that EVERYONE else in school is going to that educates them on what they will eventually probably be partaking in.
It just seems ass-backwards. Prepare you kids for their future. That doesn’t just mean make sure they get a good education or teaching them how to pray. This means preparing them for EVERYTHING. Sex included.
I was never told what sex was. In fact, I couldn’t even accidentally ask questions related to sex. (They shouldn’t talk about prostitutes in hadith then!) I learned about it any way I could. I had to find out from kids at school. From porn.
I had to fake it when my friends/classmates talked about it. It was either that or be the weird foreign kid with the arranged marriage parents that had sex only when they wanted kids (because apparently that is a genetic thing).
Sex became a fascination. Something you have to experience to know about because we are all describing something to each other we have never done before. It radically shapes you. Life is re-prioritized.
We end up having sex before marriage. We end up experiencing this thing that is supposed to give us an idea of what heaven is like before marriage. Before we meet that one person who was supposed to share it with us. Look, I’m not a sap or a romantic. And yeah, sometimes sex is just sex but then sometimes it’s not. And it’s those times with that special person that make sex so good.
Realistically, a majority of our marriages aren’t between two virgins. One person is going to be more sexually educated than the other. As long as the other person knows ahead of time, I don’t really see it being something that ends a marriage.
That doesn’t mean that it’s an easy thing to overcome either. Being able to maturely talk about what you like and don’t like or aren’t sure about is just part of the process. You shouldn’t be thinking about what guy/girl did that for them and why they like it so much.
Be open to what they are talking about and try to be there for them in that way. Don’t you want to be the only person that will ever please your spouse? Then stop being self-conscious and hurt about something that you had/have no control over. This person chose you to marry. They chose you to spend the rest of their life with you. They chose to have sex with you and only you for the rest of your lives together. Why not make it amazing?
5 Things to talk about before/during/after sex:
1. What do you need to get going? Are you the kind of person who needs a lot of foreplay? Where do you like to be when the mood hits? Private? Public? Does kissing and making-out really do it for you? These are the kinds of things you two need to be discussing. I know sometimes it’s awkward those first few times. You have tried and time-tested techniques that have made you a sexual god/goddess in your circle but maybe, just maybe, you gotta up your game. And why not? You want to continually blow this person’s mind.
2. What kind of sex do you like? I know. I know. What do you mean kind of sex? Isn’t anal haram ? I’m not talking about anal guys. I’m talking about slow, fast, kinky, sexercise, vanilla, etc. That’s not to say you have to pick one and that’s all you get but we all have a default mode that we like more often than not. Find out what that is. If one person likes it fast but the other likes to move slower than make sure that everyone is getting what they want. That’s the key. Everyone gets what they want.
3. Kinks? This is where the fun begins and the shyness never stops. Hey if you have a kink and you feel like it does it for you, why not talk about it? It doesn’t mean that the other person has to do it but at least start the conversation. Maybe eventually they will warm up to the idea. Maybe its just a simple fantasy or maybe you love some extreme dirty talk. Whatever it is, talk about it.
4. Are you a fan of the extra-curricular activities? Hey some people don’t like to do anything outside of sex and that’s all right. But for all you body explorers, make sure your partner knows.
5. How do you like to finish? Now, now. Don’t go there. I don’t mean that. I mean what do you like to do when you are done? Do you like to cuddle? Are you so hot and sweaty afterwards that you just need a little space until you cool down and catch your breath? Maybe you like to give each other a nice slow clap and recap the high points. Whatever it is, make sure you talk about it. Nothing is worse than finishing up and still not feeling satisfied because you aren’t being held or properly cooled-off.”
Don’t be a hulk. Know what your partner wants.
Now, obviously I know there are so many other things you can talk about. But for a group of people who never discuss it, I’d say this is a good start lol